you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
