Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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