i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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