Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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