Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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