Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
