You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
