Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
