This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
