i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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