Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
porn star boner night. come get it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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