I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
