thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
