She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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