i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
