For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
