I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
