Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
