I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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