Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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