I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
