Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
