you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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