i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
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If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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