he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
