My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
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I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.