I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.