Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
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So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
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I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture