Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
