he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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