This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
