I'm gonna have a badass scar
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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