Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
