You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
