So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
