your room smells of hookers.
And success
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
