Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
