I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
