No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off