Texts From Last Night

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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

  (703): View more from Virginia

  It's the American dream

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  (202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US (703): It's the American dream http://tfl.nu/z0hb
  Replies (31) Good night (4175) Bad night (745)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.

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  (512): hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one? (1-512): yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go. http://tfl.nu/pwrk
  Replies (18) Good night (3775) Bad night (628)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?

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  (201): My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question? http://tfl.nu/fkcd
  Replies (76) Good night (996) Bad night (11512)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.

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  (520): you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him. http://tfl.nu/r7kw
  Replies (10) Good night (688) Bad night (3441)
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  (530): View more from California

  I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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  (530): I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me http://tfl.nu/rrqt
  Replies (23) Good night (6590) Bad night (1099)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

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  (317): You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour. http://tfl.nu/7a2s
  Replies (4) Good night (2985) Bad night (597)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.

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  (727): Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today. http://tfl.nu/0xc9
  Replies (5) Good night (1474) Bad night (626)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too

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  (203): I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too http://tfl.nu/f6yj
  Replies (7) Good night (766) Bad night (2578)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up

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  (859): Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up http://tfl.nu/e5lq
  Replies (10) Good night (669) Bad night (1622)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.

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  (910): I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair. http://tfl.nu/qnzd
  Replies (4) Good night (1562) Bad night (1123)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.

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  (715): Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me. http://tfl.nu/2k2c
  Replies (11) Good night (2469) Bad night (742)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?

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  (651): How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now? http://tfl.nu/kz7z
  Replies (8) Good night (887) Bad night (366)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"

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  (609): pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!" http://tfl.nu/i0nq
  Replies (3) Good night (1030) Bad night (325)
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  (909): View more from California

  i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way

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  (909): i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on (901): continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way http://tfl.nu/cwtc
  Replies (1) Good night (987) Bad night (316)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea

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  (503): I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now (503): Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea http://tfl.nu/ll9z
  Replies (5) Good night (326) Bad night (454)

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