My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.