thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
