If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
