Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
