If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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