Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say đ
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now sheâs a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. âHigh maintenance hotâ doesnât even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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