I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
