i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
