I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
