Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
