Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
