alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
