oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I made him laugh his dick is mine
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
