I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
