sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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