I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
