dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
