2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
